Nerves and more nerves

I got a letter yesterday in the mail from the hospital. It asked me to go to this website and put in some information and view this slide show about my procedure on the 10th. Okay no biggy I'll do it once the kids are setting watching their movie.

We got them settled and John came in with me and watched it. At first I was okay with it and then the more and more detailed it got the more and more my nerves were on the edge. Definately not the same procedure that the doctor's office sent me information about. So now I'm really nervous. Which one is the correct one...or will she be doing both procedures?! Or a combination of all three things!?!

My other concern is will I be OUT or will it only be a local? I don't want to know what's going on...I just want to be put out completely. I've been through enough don't you think? I don't want to have to see her doing what she's doing. I'd rather forget and not have to see it all. That program that the hospital had me watch gave me the impression that I was going to be awake for it....like I'd just get a spinal or something like that. yeah ummmm I'm freaking out right now.

Breath Michelle.....just breath........hmmm maybe I need to go talk with Georgina at school...she's been through this already.....she'd know what to expect right?? Well okay she's been through the D&C but I'm not sure if she's been through the other kind of surgery. ohhh geez I'm not sure who to talk with now. Mom says Marcie's had to go through something simular but they found hers in a different means not the same means as my type of surgery. ohh what to do...what to say????

Lately I just don't care to talk with Mars. She has been on edge with me lately. Between her husband's indecisiveness, her in-laws crap about how everything is always towards our side of the family (which some times it is and other times its not), my long hours at school (Yes I've had to put longer hours in at school because of presentations and stuff but come on....It's a different class....I can't just come in early like others can so I have to take the time at night to do it) and her dealings with my children seem to just put her into horrible moods lately and that always seems to be my fault.

Quite honestly I can't talk with her about things like this. Right when I really need my sister to talk with she just tells me to suck it up and get over it. Yeah that's exactly what I want to hear right now...Suck it up Michelle you'll be fine. Yeah right I don't want to hear that right now. I want to know what's going to happen. I want to know what to expect. I want to cry on her shoulder if I'm having a bad day and my husband isn't around to cry on his shoulder. But instead, I have to go through all these appointments by myself because my husband just can't take time off when he wants to. I am going to need him closer to my surgery to be there. He doesn't have vacation time yet. He's going to have to take a sick or personal time already for the surgery date I believe; even though he'll make up all the hours since the surgery is on a Tuesday and I'll make him go to work in the morning until I have to be there for the surgery at noon.

My inside just wants to cry right now. I'm excite to have this moved up and to have a hopeful "end" of all this pain in site but at the same time I'm sorta scared to hear what Dr. Rosado will find. That presentation the hospital had me watch mentioned cancer. Cancer runs too much in my family. Do I think it's that? NO but Dr. Rosado is pretty confident that I have endo. Question is if I do have it will scraping it "off" be the end of it or will I have to undergo another procedure afterwards or further down the road like Mars did. Or would having another child be the better way to look at things. I know right now that for us having another child is way out of the question right now. I wouldn't even consider having one until Kyle is closer to 3. I think I've put my body into too much stress and messed half my system up.

It's funny when people hear I have a 4,3, and a 1 year old and they hear about all the problems I'm having right now that's their first comment. Well no wonder you are having so many problems. Look at what you put your body through. Well I can tell you this much...Trevor wasn't supposed to be a year apart. So what do I do about that? Kyle wasn't really planned as he was a surprise so once again...we were ment to have our children this way by GODs will not someone elses in my opinion.

wow 4,3, and 1 yr old. Pretty soon we are going to have 4,3, and 2 yr old for a short period of time. That's really going to throw people. Guess I better get ready for their rude comments huh?